♥ SCARS LEFT ME → ?

as i sat here...all that stuffs that randomly passing through my brain leaves the trace of biding goodbye...a lesson to learn and should be taken into the deepest part of my ego...should be taken seriously...and should understand by me...it always came to the point, that im almost letting go of the fact that im gonna make it...yeah, the toughest bone that supports my every flesh is now a chicken...im really afraid for that day...but i still hope and trust God he wont spare me from that opportunity and that he will guide me always...

that random thoughts of being a coward is worsen on the fact that im hurting so much inside...i hope it isn't true...how i wish i did not see...and how i love i did not feel this...i am happy before...before iv'e liken someone at this moment...he isn't like a book i love that if i want it i can buy it...his one of those happy moments that i have this year...but i prefer to forget about and rejected my own feelings for the person whom i picture my self holding on to...id rather take the risk to keep it on myself...yeah im a coward...on many things indeed! even if telling the person i like him would lessen the burden and would set me free...i will still choose what iv'e decided long ago...hell yeah!iv'e restrain myself from opening my fb to get a hold on myself on pepping on his activities...i was happy i gotta rare opportunity on spending christmas with him...haha but from that moment i knew it....yeah...me  & him is IMPOSSIBLE...iv'e said it already before, i wont talk about him cause i dont want nega vives here on my page...but i cant help it...for the last time of the year , before it ends...and before i will forget him totally i wanna let go everything about him...if love would be this painful i rather choose to stay single...but yeah...as tears feel down like razors...i know he is the moon and im left watching him...im such a dork, im feeling this shit...im scolding myself cause i know im tough and my weakness is my family...but still im a woman whose heart so fragile...i can deny the fact now that im in love with the person...how can i say it when all i can see is his cycle and on his world im nothing compared to him...check sad reality isn't it...but above all the painful fact...im also happy that i have a chance to see his smile and hear his voice this close...haha if im a stalker ... im the best stalker a person might be...but the holidays has ended and so i cant see him anymore...back to normal days, im wondering if time flies by...will he still be single?or that girl his going to be with...only time can tell...but i cant really tell him i love him that genuinely...this is freaking me out! im no good at heart...i dont have any experience on loving until i realize iv'e love him long before...if i were to choose , i rather die than telling him about it...its very embarrassing...i dont wanna text him anymore...SWEAR! and i dont wanna see my phone ringing with his name on it...you dont wanna see me panicking like crazy that i dont know what to say when i pick up my phone...bullshit...

times like this makes me eat eat eat and eat...you wanna have some of macaronz i have right now? i know you want to but sorry me cause i dont have my camera now,all i have is this one iv'e took with my friends cam...this is my fav. to eat with my father and brother when we go out...

all i know is that , next week ... im a different person again...not the attitude but i will have my haircut at last! yes!!!!oh yeah...ive been wanting my hair to be fall off...and when its cut...all the stuffs i want to forget will be also pull off out of me...it may tough and a long process of healing but i know i can...ive been single my whole life...theres no reason to not surpass this shitty feeling...

i cursing what im feeling because i know i failed on this one...i really believe that one cant have anything at all...even the jack of all trades is a master of none...sayings really helpful nowadays hahah ^^ will i know how to cheer my self up...and i feel more relieve now...i choose to love the person so i am aware of the consequences too...though its really mind bugling , pain will always heal...at the right time and at the right way...im grateful ive known love...and im happy for the person cause i know he will be good to whoever the girl on that scene...so sad im not tht girl...how did i know? hahha instinct man!girls intuition...^^ 

enough enough ... time to eat again...so till next year heart...chill for a while,be numb for now...one of those days will heal together...chakra mode recharging ..dope...haha 

I CANT STAND BEING TOO MUCH EMOTIONAL ABOUT THIS!SO SHIT...

adelle is right...we could not have it all...at all..^^